T-that's another thing. They can't put it on a weekday?
They got to take up prime weekend real estate?
What do you expect? It's a school fundraiser.
They got to put it on when they can get the most parents.
'cause tuition's not enough?
They got to put their hand in your pocket every five minutes.
They're like pirates or something.
Pirates? You mean like pickpockets, right?
Pirate, pickpocket -- what's the difference?
Well, there's the boat.
You know, Sonia didn't even tell me about the thing.
That's a little strange, right?
Well, if you ask me, it's a silver lining
you don't have to go to these things anymore.
No, I don't want to go, but she might be assuming we're going.
Just -- we're parents of kids who go to the school.
'cause she bought those tickets way back last fall.
Yeah, y-you're okay.
Uh, Melissa tells me she's bringing someone else.
What do you mean?
What, like a-a guy?
Yeah, I don't know. I-I guess so.
You guess so?
Well, what is it? Is it a date?
Melissa just said she's bringing some new guy.
Well, some new guy? T-that's all you got?
That's all I got. Yeah, that's all he's got.
You're gonna tell me my wife's seeing somebody else
and just keep eating soup?
Doesn't matter what he's saying. He's gonna keep on eating.
That's -- that's it. That's the whole story.
All right.
What's he like?
Who? The new guy.
Melissa must have said something about him. No, she didn't.
Good-looking?
I don't know.
Look, what do you care, anyway?
These are normal questions.
No, but you're single, right? And you're loving it, right?
Right? Am I right or not? Am I right?
I don't want to pound. Come on. Come on.
There we go.
I'll tell you what -- if you want,
I'll follow this guy into the men's room
and see how he measures up.
Wait a minute -- you're gonna be there, too? Again?
Can I help it if I'm -- and I'm quoting his wife --
"the best auctioneer they've ever had"?
I'm obligated.
And humbled.
[ scoffs ] Oh, like that's why you're going.
I'm going for the kids.
Oh, don't push it.
So, is Annie going to this?
Yeah, Annie's gonna want to come
and stand around with a bunch of parents
while they gab about their kids.
That's it? Oh, okay.
It's not because you're gonna be working your usual magic
with the single moms?
Don't push it.
[ chuckles ]
Uh, don't forget. It's in a new place this year.
Oh, yeah. Where's it at, again? The Talbot.
Oh, fancy. Mm-hmm.
I wonder if she's doing this
'cause I asked her if we could see other people.
You are seeing other people.
Yeah, no.
Come on, man.
You know as well as I do this whole thing's a pain in the ass.
[ laughing ] Yeah, I know.
You know, I don't want to go to the thing.
Is he tall?
♫ Men of a Certain Age 1x04 ♫ The New Guy ♪ when I grow up to be a man ♪
Original Air Date on Decemer 28, 2009 ♪ will I dig the same things that turn me on as a kid? ♪
♪ will I look back and say that I wish I hadn't done what I did? ♪
♪ will I joke around ♪
♪ and still dig those sounds ♪
♪ when I grow up to be a man? ♪
-- Sync, HI corrected by elderman -- -- for addic7ed.Com --
This tie makes my head look like a water balloon.
Ah, screw it. No tie.
Aw, come on. No, no, no.
I want to see my handsome man.
I got to wear a tie every day of the week.
These parents can't see my neck?
[ doorbell rings ]
Oh, good. The babysitter's here.
Come on. We're late to pick them up.
Pick them up?
Yeah, I promised Sonia we would.
You know how hard it is to find parking at this thing.
I-I don't even know the guy.
What are we gonna talk about?
Well, he's a teacher. Ask him about current events.
I went to college. I know everything he knows.
[ chuckles ] How bad could it be, then?
(Melissa) I swear -- he goes home with someone every year.
One year, it was the divorced woman, Jodi Wilson,
And last year, it was Mrs. Blye,
The social-studies teacher.
Am I right, Meliss?
Oh, girl, I can't keep them straight.
Was it Blye, honey?
I can't remember.
Isn't he a bit too old for the Peter Pan routine?
(Harold) I know the type.
If he keeps it up, he's gonna end up alone.
These men. They have no idea their sperm is dying.
[ laughs ]
[ television plays indistinctly ]
[ channel changes ]
(Pat Sajak) $550.
(Trevor) R.
We have some r's up there. Let's count them off.
You want to solve?
I'd like to buy an "a," please.
Yes. Three a's.
Whoa!
Right there. $600.
And I'd also like to buy an "I." Yes.
Trevor, $4,500 and that big cash prize.
What do you want to do?
I'd like to solve. Go ahead.
[ toilet seat creaks ]
Oh, I got it.
John F. Kennedy international airport.
You got it.
[ cheers and applause ]
[ channel changing ]
(Announcer) And Pierce will bring it back.
He'll handle the ball. They'll set up.
Got Malone down low, gets it to him.
Back out to Pierce. He steps up for a 20-footer.
That's no good. He gets the ball back himself.
He's gonna take it to the hoop.
Nobody gets in his way. [ cellphone beeps ]
And that's 2 points that they should have never allowed. [ dialing ]
[ ringing ]
(Manfro) Yo?
Hey, Manfro, it's Joe.
Can I get anything down now?
You're a little late there, Joe. Everything went off already.
Yeah, how about second-half stuff?
What am I -- Caesars Palace?
Off the lawn, shithead!
Frickin' squirrels.
Yeah, okay, so -- so, nothing, huh?
Geez. You degenerate. Get out of the house.
[ chuckles ] Yeah. Yeah.
Uh, a little bored.
You want to go eat some chinese?
With you?
Yeah, weirdo -- with me.
Nah. No, no.
It's good shit.
Cantonese or Mandarin?
It's chinese chinese. What the hell.
Come on. I got a spot on Alpine and Spring.
I can meet you there in a half an hour.
[ television plays indistinctly ]
Yeah. Um, all right.
All right. I'll be there.
[ cellphone beeps ]
Again, there's Pierce looking for a shot.
Back out to Malone.
Oh, well.
[ indistinct conversations ]
You know they're serving dinner later.
I'm getting my 200 bucks' worth, so stay out of it.
[ laughs ]
You seen the new guy yet?
Hmm?
They're acting like a couple of teenagers.
So what? Joe's out there, too.
People do what they got to do, man.
That's a really surprising perspective from you.
[ laughs ]
Hey, hey.
What's the name of that social-studies teacher, again?
You're the one who slept with her.
What, you remember the name of every woman you slept with?
Yeah.
Well, th-- that's different.
Well, excuse me, man hooker.
[ laughing ] Come on.
What if she comes over here? I don't want to be a dick.
It's Kim Jones.
It's Brenda.
Brenda Blye.
[ laughs ]
[ bells jingle ]
[ indistinct conversations ]
[ slurps ]
Weird Joe in the house, everybody.
Let the games begin.
Yeah, yeah, okay. So, this is it, huh?
This is it -- my favorite place. You know why?
Why?
No TVs.
Yeah, I guess not. Look at that.
I like to close shop during the game.
No TV, no phone, no bap-bap-bap.
Li Li! Li Li!
Nah, I got it, Joe. Don't worry about it. I'm gonna order.
Okay, all right.
Uh...
Give us a 2, a 127,
a 96, extra garlic,
and a side of hollow vegetable.
You're gonna go ape-shit for these greens.
And no dog.
I love to bust chops.
They don't laugh, but they get it.
[ chuckles ]
So, what's up, Joe?
You sounded a little weirder than usual on the phone.
Everything all right?
Yeah, no.
[ liquid pours ]
No, I just...
Ah, my wife -- she's on a date tonight.
She's back in the sack already? Geez, I'm sorry.
No! No! It's -- it's this thing. It's a fundraiser.
If you ask me, she's banging him.
No, it's at a school thing. It's a charity.
Yeah, school thing. He's getting a hand job.
W-- that's -- you know --
Hey, you want me to do something about this guy?
No! What are you -- no.
Relax, Joe. Jokin' here, all right?
Get a sense of humor.
I'm on a roll!
The dog, now this.
[ laughing ] Yeah. Okay.
I was married once. I get it.
Never again -- I'll tell you that much.
Screw that.
Craziest seven months of my life.
You really gave it a shot, huh?
Yeah.
She was something else, though.
She had these great big teeth.
Sounds weird, but I dug it.
Oh, good to see you again. Take care.
Brenda Blye, woman in demand.
Terry. [ laughs ]
[ laughs ]
How have you been?
Good. Good.
I'm sorry that I haven't called.
Oh, oh. But, I mean, it's been crazy.
Same for me, really.
Classes are up to 25 students,
Plus I'm planning the sixth-graders' trip to Mexico, and, uh...
Oh! I got engaged.
Wow!
Wow, that's... fast.
Well, it's not like it needs to take forever at this age, right?
No. No.
It's just -- it --
Funny, the last time I saw you -- yeah, I know.
Well, congratulations.
That's good. I mean, good for you.
Yes. And for him.
[ both laugh ]
Where is Mr. Right?
Away on business. He's in biodefense.
Ah. Real serious guy.
Divorced, but couldn't wait to settle down again.
So...
Anyone special in your life?
Me?
Uh, no. No.
Thinking about getting a dog.
But, you know, I don't know,
'cause there's the poop and the walks and --
Yeah, there is poop.
Well, don't rush into anything, now.
No. No.
Well, I should... join the gaggle.
You doing the auction tonight?
Good. We need you.
[ laughing ] Yeah.
T-bone Malone!
Uh...[ chuckles ]
Hey, Dave. Dave.
What are you doing here?
I thought your kid was, like, you know, barely down the chute.
[ laughs ] Good one.
No, seriously, it's like a three-year waiting list for this school.
Oh. And even then, it can get political.
Dana thought it would be a good thing to get in early --
You know, get some quality face time.
Woman with a plan.
Yeah, she is on it, and I mean on it.
Hey, what about you, big guy? Why are you here?
You're not one of those "baby daddies," are you?
'cause guys like you, you never know.
Yeah, auctioneer. I do it every year.
I'm a friend with a few of the families here, so it's, um...
...It's for a good cause.
Mm.
And there's a lot of divorced poontango at these things.
Am I right? No.
No, come on. You dog.
You dirty dog. Come on.
Oh, here she is right now.
Dana, this is Terry.
Terry's the guy I told you about from work.
Hi. Yeah.
He's the movie star.
Remember -- I woke you up
when that funny can-opener commercial was on?
Oh! Yeah.
You were very good.
Well, you know, you're only as good as the writing.
I'm gonna head to the bar. Can I get you two something?
Bourbon and 7, pal. Honey, we've already used our drink tickets.
God forbid we pay $3.50.
No, they're more like $6.
Well, hey, lot of 12-steppers here.
See if you can score a few off of them.
[ chuckles ]
Which commercial was that?
Oh, look! How cute!
If my girl is a tomboy, I'm sending her back.
Oh, don't worry -- if you don't win this,
Lucy has about eight of them under her bed.
Oh, God, no.
[ laughs ]
Boy, where'd they dig up that relic?
[ chuckles ] That's my father.
Oh.
Sonia didn't mention that.
Coup for the school, though. Legend in their midst, right?
Yeah. [ chuckles ] it's okay, man.
He was good, but he actually had no jump shot.
[ chuckles ]
Economy's tough.
No problem. I'll just take the damn thing back home.
Tell you what.
Uh, no, no, no. This is way too much. No.
Come on. It says it's priceless.
I'll do it for the kids.
Then put it on Ebay.
[ chuckles ]
Okay.
[ chuckles ]
Hey. Hey.
What did you spend your ticket on? I got a bid on my relic.
It was like freakin' confetti all over my closet floor.
And these were good shirts.
'cause I hurt her feelings or some damn thing.
Well, sounds like you did the right thing leaving her.
I didn't leave her.
She left me.
Well...Still.
Screw that.
Let's go have some fun.
I know what'll cheer us up, Joe.
Yeah, no, I don't want to go to a strip club.
Then I'm out of ideas.
They got a little bar at the hotel I'm at.
They got a pool?
Yeah. But it closes at 10:00.
Then we gotta motor, don't we Joe.
Li Li!
(Terry) Yoga changed my life, I swear.
Good for the mind, good for the spirit.
And the abs aren't so bad either.
Deena!
I know. Too many cosmos.
Hey, if I'm gonna pay for a sitter, I'm gonna enjoy myself.
I like your thinking.
And I like your...Hair.
Can't take her anywhere.
Hi, buddy.
Uh...Dave.
Can I talk to you for a second?
Uh, s-- yeah. Sure. Excuse me.
Sweet!
What is it?
Listen.
Do you have any weed?
Come on. This -- this is for the kids.
Oh, man. I got to take the edge off, man.
Dana is really enforcing that whole drink-ticket thing,
and this party is such a drag.
Come on. You got nothing?
I-I don't know. I'll... I-I-I'll look around. Maybe.
I'm at table 25. 25, all right?
If you get any, don't leave me hanging. Thanks, bro.
[ sighs ]
[ indistinct conversations ]
Go figure -- both boys
and completely different temperaments.
They do have minds of their own.
Minds of their own? They're like one big herd.
One gets an ipod, they all got to have ipods.
(Sonia) I know. We tried to make Lucy take choir freshman year.
None of her friends were in there.
You'd think we were sending her to prison.
My Emily is exactly the same way.
If they're doing it, she has to do it.
You know, it is the herd mentality -- follow, follow.
What's wrong? Still haven't found your queen for a day?
Just here for the kids.
[ laughs ]
Excuse me.
What is that?
A Greg imitation?
(Harold) Oh. What?
Oh, there was this guy Greg
who literally ate and wore his lunch all through class.
You probably know -- she was my student.
No, I didn't know that.
Oh, I just took his class on a lark.
But now she's going back to get her master's. Isn't that amazing?
You're back in school? What for?
Oh, you sound just like someone else I know.
No, no, I was just saying --
So, w-w-what do you teach, uh, Harold?
Econometric methods.
I'd explain it to you, but I don't want to put you to sleep.
No, no, no, please.
Well, okay.
I teach a range of courses,
from the international finance workshop that Sonia took
to advanced microeconomics.
See, students, they need a foundation
in both history and theory, as well as the fundamentals.
Nice shorts, Joe.
I hope you don't have jock itch.
Hey, uh, we better be quiet.
Technically, this thing's closed.
[ sighs ]
What are you worried about -- the hotel cops?
[ laughing ] Yeah, right.
Check this out.
Michael Phelps can eat my ass.
Yeah, I don't think he's a diver.
Whatever, Joe.
What are you doing just standing there?
You still thinking about your wife?
Well, no, I wasn't, but now I am.
Do I gotta come over there and smack you?
We're forgetting the broads tonight, okay?
Yeah, I know.
I just got to ease in past the ball line.
It's cold. Whew!
No, no, this is perfect.
You know what I like to do?
I like to sink to the bottom --
Pretend I'm a fetus.
It really takes you back.
Oh, way to come through, T.
[ laughing ] Yeah.
Well, I don't know how long this has been in my ashtray,
so no guarantees.
Whatever, man. Just fire that baby up.
She's gonna have a cow if I'm gone longer than 10 minutes.
Mm.
Thank you very much, kind sir.
This isn't laced, is it, T?
[ laughs ]
Because I had a bad trip in high school.
[ laughs ]
Okay, cool guy.
[ laughs ]
[ Dave inhales ]
[ raspy voice ] Good shit.
[ laughs ]
What's so funny?
[ piano music plays ]
But my main goal is simply to teach my students
to think in complex ways.
With the texts and tweets and the rest of it,
they seem to have short-circuited
their analytical powers.
It sounds like you really affect people, Harold.
He does. I've seen his lectures.
He's... very inspiring.
He speaks all over the world. Mm.
He even spoke at a World Trade Conference
in San Francisco last July.
Oh, how exciting.
It was. She's a trouper, this one.
Some of those guys are even more boring than I am.
Wait. You were there?
Yes. It was fascinating.
Do you remember the coffee crisis?
Oh, God. [ laughs ]
They accidentally served decaf
and didn't get real coffee until lunchtime.
It was practically a revolt.
I'm sorry. Can we back up here for a minute?
'cause I'm a little confused.
Confused?
You said this world trade... whatever was last summer?
Yes.
And you went together to San Francisco?
Yeah, so, see, I find that confusing,
because last summer, you were --
Owen, don't. What?
I'm just trying to get the timeline of this whole thing
clear in my mind.
It's complicated. Is it?
Do you mind I say someth--
Please don't. Owen.
I need some air.
I'm sorry.
[ sighs ] That's all right.
My hand is moving up to my mouth,
but I'm not telling it to.
Okay, then.
Uh, do me a favor and let your wife drive.
Oh, she's driving.
Ms. Designated driver likes it safe and sound.
Yeah, she seems all right.
Ah, she's terrific. She's -- Dana's terrific.
Just...
[ sighs ] still, you know...
Sometimes I feel like time is just going, like,
click-click-click.
We're getting old, man.
I don't know.
Maybe I shouldn't have taken myself off the market so soon,
you know?
Like, did you see that little number with the furry boots?
Whoo, boy, we should be running through this place
like two wild dogs on the loose.
Mm. Okay, okay.
Oh, whoa, whoa, that's it.
[ cellphone rings ] I'm cutting you off.
Oh.
[ cellphone beeps ]
Hey, sweetie.
No, I-I'm just helping Terry out with something.
Well, geez, I don't think anybody here would steal your purse.
I knew there was something I didn't like
about Sonia's date.
That son of a bitch
has been with Sonia for over a year.
What?
Yeah. She admitted it.
Just, "hey, Owen, I cheated on Joe.
Pass the carrots"?
Not exactly, but basically, yeah.
Are you sure?
Why would I make this up?
You think I want this information?
(Dave) Sergeant Dana. Got to report back to duty.
[ chuckles ]
[ door opens ]
Who's that?
Eh...
[ door closes ]
So, what are we gonna do about this guy?
Do?
Well, I'm not gonna sit there eating pie with him.
You want me to tell him to meet us
in the boys' locker room at midnight?
I don't -- I don't know.
Are we supposed to play nice?
If a person is -- is stepping outside the marriage,
then maybe the marriage is in some kind of bad shape,
you know?
I don't think you can automatically blame the interloper.
I mean, I feel bad for Joe...
That guy broke up Joe's marriage.
You're talking about giving him a pass. And Sonia, too.
No, no.
All I'm saying is that there are a lot of shades of gray.
Wow.
You're...
Particularly full of shit tonight.
Where'd they go?
Sonia said she felt a migraine coming on.
They went to look for another ride.
You know, actually,
I think they were just embarrassed.
So you're mad at me?
Am I the only one here who thinks it stinks in Denmark?
[ laughing ] Honey, that's not the phrase.
Whatever. You know.
I guess I'm just not that surprised.
You're not?
No. I mean...
During the worst of it,
I felt Sonia wasn't telling me everything.
And she didn't bother to offer, so I didn't ask.
And you just... didn't mention it?
It wasn't my place, Owen.
[ clears throat ]
You know what? Let's just go.
I have to stay.
And Terry's up next.
Ah! Terry.
You know what? You need to calm down.
Whose is this?
I'm not sure.
If it's a whiskey sour, it's Sonia's.
It's a whiskey sour.
You know, Owen, that's full of sugar.
You gonna help me with this?
Wait, don't. Don't break it.
Come on. They're gonna charge my room.
Relax, will you? Have some beer.
I'm having beer.
Couple more, I'm gonna start singing "American Pie."
You don't want that.
Uhh.
Oh-ho-ho-ho.
In theory, this should work.
What theory is that?
The theory that everybody can blow me.
I'm the king of the world!
No, I'm not.
[ laughs ]
Fetus! Go into the fetus!
That's the trouble with chinese food --
20 minutes later, I'm hungry again.
I can't see. Am I close?
Wait -- hold on. I got an idea.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?!
Wait. You're right there, man. Grab it.
No. Is it the cheese curls?
I don't want the gummi bears.
You're right there. Grab it!
[ grunts ] oh!
That's it! Yeah!
Beautiful.
Yeah.
Whew.
That was good, Joe.
[ crunching ]
Cheese curls and beer.
[ swallows, sighs ]
That's America, right?
Oh, shit.
You think it's on?
I hope so.
(Terry) All right, I hate to embarrass anyone.
But I'll do it.
Bill Howell.
[ laughter ] but seriously, people,
If we don't start getting some bids on this Ski Chalet,
there's a chance the kids won't get
some of the essentials next year.
[ crunching ]
Pbht!
[ crowd "awws" ] Let me guess. Let me guess.
There's a puppy behind me.
How did I know that?
What?
[ laughter ]
The Blanksteins are gonna take you home for $1,000?
[ laughing ] oh!
[ imitates squeaking ]
No, these are the kinds of things
that make a St. Ormond's student
more than just a cookie-cutter kid.
[ spits ]
Art and soccer and, um...
Museum day.
[ laughter ]
Mph!
All right, our final item tonight
is a dream vacation to Catalina.
Ah!
All right. All right.
Oh, I think you broke it!
All right, let's get the bidding started here
at $1,000.
Do I have any takers on this lovely Catalina getaway?
It comes with a boat, right, Jack?
Oh, yeah. Right. Right.
I forgot to mention that.
Show us your tits!
[ man laughs ]
[ laughs ]
Hey, whatever it takes.
[ women cheering ]
Do you come with the boat?
[ laughs ] We'll talk.
When?
[ laughter ]
All right.
Do I hear $1,000? Do I hear $1,000?
Here we go -- $1,000.
$1,100, anybody? Do I hear $1,100? Right here!
There we go -- $1,100. How about $1,200?
(Woman) $1,200.
$1,200. Wow! Is it hot in here, or is it just me?
It's you!
[ laughter ]
All right, here we go.
$4 million!
[ laughing ] What?
I'm kidding. I'm his boss.
[ laughter ]
But seriously, $2,000.
$2,000.
Okay.
[ applause ]
All right, all right.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have $2,000.
$2,500!
[ laughing ] okay.
[ applause ]
All right, and at $2,500.
Do I hear...$2,600, anybody?
$2,600.
It's for the kids. Come on!
Yep, it's for the kids. $2,600?
Going once.
Going twice.
Gone to the man in pink for $2,500.
Let's hear it!
[ cheers and applause ]
Catalina! Let's hear it! Yo, Catalina!
All right. Good job, St. Ormond's.
Great auction this year. Thank you very much.
My kid better get in the school!
Let's turn it over to DJ Chilly Z,
all the way from Seal Beach.
Take it away, Chilly Z.
[ dance music plays ]
Now can we go?
Yes, Owen.
We can go.
Why don't you go get the gift bags
while I say goodbye to the committee?
Whoa.
You okay?
Yeah. I got it. I got it.
I got it. I got it.
You think there's a lot of pee in here?
Nah.
Nobody really uses it except a couple of senior citizens.
And we know they don't pee in the pool.
You know, I told her that we should see other people,
So it's probably my fault, right?
Again with the ex?
[ laughs ]
Yeah.
What are you -- king of all people?
She's got a mind of her own, you know.
I know. I know.
I'm just thinking, you know,
maybe if I had done certain things
or -- or maybe didn't do other things...
then it might have all worked out.
Who knows?
You know, Joe...
there's not always a reason for shit.
Yeah.
It's just the universe pushing and shoving,
doing its thing.
You could be standing there totally still,
minding your own business.
That mother will still mess you up.
So, like...
it's all fate?
Or totally random.
Either way...
Hundred years -- all new people.
[ slurps ]
Wow.
That's what I'm saying.
[ dance music plays ]
Sorry. We get a little rowdy at these things.
[ laughing ]
Jack Patterson bought us the table, so...
So you decided to harass the hired help?
Oh, you loved every minute of it.
It's for a good cause.
So, what's it gonna be?
History or french?
Nice ladies, but I'm still on the clock.
Been sleeping on the table?
[ laughs ]
[ chuckles ]
Two -- uh, Thoreau.
Yeah. Thank you.
[ sighs ]
I thought you left.
There were other people I wanted to talk to.
[ laughing ]
Will you tell the Dixons I'll meet them outside in a minute?
Of course.
Hey, buddy, listen, let me just --
I'll be out front.
Okay.
Look, Owen, I know you're mad,
but you don't know the whole story.
Were you or were you not seeing this guy
before you and Joe got separated?
Yes, I was, but -- then Joe should know that.
You know, it's easy for you to sit here and judge.
He's your friend, but he's not perfect.
Are you telling me Joe did something to deserve this?
Sometimes it's what people don't do.
Oh, bullshit. You're just protecting yourself.
From what? From feeling guilty.
I don't feel guilty, Owen.
I made a very difficult choice, but I made the right one.
For you, maybe. For you.
So, it looks like the arts program
is gonna survive for another year.
Too bad Randy couldn't be here.
He's in Dallas.
Yeah. Yeah, you said.
Biodefense.
Yes.
He loves these things.
[ laughing ] What? He does?
I don't know why I said that.
He hates these things.
You want to have a drink somewhere?
Yeah, sure.
Meet me by my car in an hour.
You can follow me.
And just be mellow about it. You know how people talk.
You got it.
You hot for teacher, bro?
What?
[ laughing ] Oh.
The T-weapon strikes again.
Husbands beware!
I mean, who does she think she is, you know,
parading him around like that?
It's -- psh!
You know what?
I'm calling Joe right now.
No, no. No drunk-dialing.
Look, I'm his friend, Melissa.
Owen.
Give me the keys.
Come on.
Come on. Come on.
[ The Marshall Tucker Band's "Can't You See" plays ]
[ car alarm chirps ]
♪ I'm gonna take a freight train ♪
♪ down at the station, lord ♪
♪ I don't care where it goes ♪
♪ gonna climb a mountain ♪
♪ the highest mountain ♪
♪ gonna jump off ♪
[ engine turns over ] ♪ nobody gonna know ♪
♪ can't you see? ♪
♪ oh, can't you see ♪
♪ what that woman, lord ♪
♪ she been doin' to me? ♪
♪ can't you see? ♪
♪ can't you see ♪
♪ what that woman ♪
♪ she been doin' to me? ♪
♪ I'm gonna find me ♪
♪ a hole in the wall ♪
♪ I'm gonna crawl inside and die ♪
♪ 'cause my lady, now ♪
♪ a mean old woman, lord ♪
♪ never told me goodbye ♪
♪ can't you see? ♪
♪ ohhhh, can't you see ♪
♪ what that woman, lord ♪
♪ she been doin' to me? ♪
♪ can't you see? ♪
Joe.
Yo.
[ clears throat ]
Hey. What's up?
This happened before with a guy.
What? What happened?
You know, kind of like a buddy-buddy thing.
And then he got in deep.
He owed something big, and I think
he thought our friendship would smooth things over.
Don't think that, Joe.
Yeah.
Yeah, okay.
This was fun, though.
Yeah.
I let myself in your room. I left the shorts in there.
I might have shit in them a little.
Sorry about that.
How funny am I, lady?
[ groans ]
You ever float like a fetus?
[ engine shuts off ]
[ car door closes ]
[ knock on door ]
Wow. The ad for the escort service is really misleading.
It's noon.
Yeah.
Noon.
You got that right.
You want some coffee? You look a little rough there.
Got some good stuff -- vacuum-packed.
Yeah, all right.
All right. Lay it on me.
Good-looking? Tall?
Oh, that son of a bitch. He's tall, right?
Look, there's something I got to tell you about the guy.
I don't think you're gonna like it.
He's black.
You're a dick.
[ laughs ]
Come on.
Go. Out with it.
Go ahead. I can take it.
I think you know the guy.
This professor windbag or whatever his name is --
She took, uh, uh, his class last year.
Wait a minute... Harold or something?
Yeah, t-that's the one.
I didn't care much for him. I can tell you that.
Yeah, okay.
What else?
Uh, well, you know, um...
they've been together, um, for a while.
Um, since she took the class.
I-I don't know all the details
or -- or how much or if that was the reason.
I-I just... Thought you should know.
Whew.
Mm.
I guess it kind of makes sense.
You know?
I remember when she was taking that class.
It was "Harold this," "Harold that."
I guess I kind of suspected, but...
Why didn't you ask?
You remember my girlfriend way back -- Patti Leery?
[ chuckles ] Geez.
Yeah, no, no, no, no, no.
I wasn't -- I wasn't looking for anything.
I just -- we -- we started e-mailing, that's all.
You know, I thought, "it's gonna stop,"
but it... kind of went on for a couple months.
It wasn't sexual.
But it was just...
I-I was sharing stuff --
stuff that me and Sonia didn't.
Yeah.
And then Sonia found those e-mails.
[ scoffs ]
That's screwed-up, Joe.
[ slurps ]
So, did Sonia... You know...
before she found the e-mails or...?
I don't know.
We were both...
I mean, you know, you go along,
You convince yourself everything's fine, you know,
and "we're happy,"
even though a little bit of you isn't.
I guess you just -- you don't want to admit it.
But then you -- then one day...
you just look up and -- and you're apart.
Like, "wow.
Wow. What happened?"
[ liquid pours ]
But you don't know how to get it back.
You work at it, man.
You don't just give up.
You go 110% to make it work before you give up.
This is your marriage man.
You know that's an invalid thing, right?
What?
The whole 110% thing.
I hate when people say that, because 100% --
that's the most you can give of anything.
I'm serious -- serious, man. It bugs me.
You can't just say "now, 110% -- that's the new full amount."
You're messing with the whole foundation of mathemat--
Sorry, man, but how can you be bullshitting right now?
I've been away from my house for five months, you know?
And you guys --
You guys have seen me every single day.
Yeah, come on, man.
You know I didn't give up.
Yeah. Just...
Yeah.
Sorry.
No, it's good.
It's a good thing that you told me this stuff,
because now...It's like it's nobody's fault, really.
She's still with this guy, Sonia,
So it's a...
it's a fate thing.
It's -- it's the universe, you know?
It's...
It's the damn universe just pushing along.
You got to go with it.
Maybe.
[ children arguing ]
Hey, sexy.
Come.
Come look at all our sexy cabbage.
What's wrong?
I talked to Joe.
Oh.
People are screwed-up.
Not us.
Not yet.
Not ever.
You hear me?
Not ever.
Mm.
-- Sync, HI corrected by elderman -- -- for addic7ed.Com --